knowing myself

some days i move through the day like the flow of a river, with a smile on my face and positive thoughts in my mind and in my voice. most days are like that - but then every once in a while, an event, a comment, a thought will trigger the nastiest side of me and i react outwardly like i am about five years old. when this happens, i am forced to reach further into myself to look at trigger and ask myself 'why'. i read a theory years ago that reminded me the beauty and curse of each birthday- in addition to becoming a year older, we do not all together lose all the ages we have ever been. as adults, we are just supposed to suppress feeling of anger, jealousy, inadequacy and sadness. more often than i would like to admit, i still find myself comparing myself to all the other kids on the playground and feeling less than when i do. what difference does a mortgage, a marriage license, and new cars make? is that all i have to aspire to? i have a wonderful life, many people who care about me, who care about us, who support our relationship.

it's the 'shoulds' that get me down and sometimes i need to be checked in. yoga has helped remind me that it is not about 'getting there'. yoga is also teaching me that nothing is innately good or bad, it is perfect the way it is. i also am reminded that people will come in and out of my life and i do not need to hold onto every acquaintance forever - some people are only meant for a season and i am currently experiencing the end of a friendship and it has to be okay.